Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
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