Only a mothe r could love this liver
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
