When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
