you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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