Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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