I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
