I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
