I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
sex in a hospital.. check
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
