In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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