I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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