I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
