I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just found a bag of teeth...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
