remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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