apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Four minutes until I can fart!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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