my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
