this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
