allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
