im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
