I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
