I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You ate ashes out of my bong
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
