Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
