i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Randomize
