Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
