I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
