a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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