im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
