I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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