Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
