fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
is wine microwaveable?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
