He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Randomize
