woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
