and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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