First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
