Your face is a jimmy john
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
