Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
