My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
