Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
