I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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