Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
