how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
