i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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