It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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