It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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