did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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