I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
