put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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