I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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