Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
