I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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