he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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